The final fall

You find yourselves in an already pathetic situation; on the inside, you wonder in a reminiscent way that at least XYZ thing hasn't gone wrong; it is still there, your one and only life support. Surprise, surprise, your worst nightmare has come to life, and now the safety net, which was already in shambles, has finally given in. Right before your last fall, when you have your last safe fall into the net, the trajectory of your downfall is laid before your eyes to feast on; now you can't say you didn't see this one coming. Suddenly, those painful and perilous times look like a bed of roses. The looping thought of 'I told you so, this would eventually happen, and what would you do then?' has now changed into 'The dreaded time has come; how will I survive this nosedive into the 8th ring of hell?'

With your final leap up, you soak in all the good things that you had till now, relish it, savour it, as it's those memories that will keep you going in the times ahead, to live in the glorious past rather than the current torture fest is not wrong. You have to remind yourself that there were good days; not everything was like this. You know what's the best way to fool yourself? Aggressively justify yourself and actions with pseudo facts and logic, which you know are false on the inside, but you do it anyway because you are pushed into a corner and there's no way out. [The whole sentence can be an example of this; it is the pinnacle of toxic self-talk or whatever this is called.] 

This tragic cycle keeps on repeating; after each cycle, quite naturally, the depth of the fall keeps on increasing, and so does the pain, hopelessness and everything in between. Sanity waning, psyche breaking, onset of complete numbness – welcome to your favourite worst living nightmare, which you always dreaded. You are now absolutely sure that it simply cannot get any worse, but no,no,no,no,no.

You don't have the guts to raise the white flag; it's too scary and painful and quite dramatic, nonetheless, so you keep on enduring this cycle. One day, for sure, it will end because of mortality; the flag will be raised for you. The question is, can you make it till then? 

The golden letters for me are W H Y? Just put it anywhere; it would clear up a lot of things. Why do you wake up in the morning? Why does it matter to you? If it isn't working for you, why continue doing it? Why are you craving
something sweet? Is it because you are hungry or for that sugar high? Why hesitating to do what you really want to do? Why are you afraid? Why should you be afraid? Just ask why; you'll know a lot of things, things which were seemingly in front of your eyes but in the background, and now they're in the foreground. Dissect them.

The day we start being true to ourselves will be the day we truly start living, or if that is another treacherous cycle's beginning, I don't know, but we always have some good memories to fool ourselves with, so take that leap. I am hoping to take mine very soon.

GODSPEED

Shreegovind N A