Picture this you find a person that is an exact carbon copy of you, it is unfathomable that everything you like and adores this person does too, everything you hate in the same magnitude this person loathes. It is really a match made in heaven as even the minute details which are unique to every individual are exactly the same it is absolutely insane, you have to be extremely lucky to find someone who has at least half of your likes, this person is the complete package it is absolutely out worldly. Give it a moment and let this sink in take a minute, or two, picture it and feel that dopamine, serotonin and Oxycontin explosion in your brain while you picture this Utopian dream.
Done?
Now listen to me you should know that such a person exists, and it came to life when you started using the internet, it is born from the digital footprint you leave behind while you are online. I'll skip the elaborate technical part and come to brass tacks here, you are being tracked online everything you do is supervised if you think I am a crazy conspiracy theorist I'll tell you how to get proof of what I am saying. Open up Chrome or any mainstream browser of your choice and google for buying naan chips or anything particular. Spend a minute or two doing this and later when you pop open YouTube to go down its custom-tailored wormhole for "entertainment" or "education" you'll find ads for the aforementioned product blowing up everywhere, if you don't find this interesting or alarming I don't know what will. There is a saying if you are not paying for the product, the product being sold is you, that it is something important to keep in mind in this day and age.
Before further deviating into different topics, let me get to the meat of things. When the realm of college started, just like most of the demographic, I too was looking forward to the picturesque, colourful and eventful college life.This came about due to the subtle and not so subtle influence of pop culture depicting college life as one of the most amazing and wonderful times in a person who is "fortunate" to get "educated" in an institution. Naturally during this time period, I met a girl, with whom I resonated quite a lot to the extent it was scary. She was everything I was, dark tastes in music that in a nutshell sums up how similar our footprint was, she too allegedly had manic depression it seems, the truth only she knows. This individual was the reason I had a new perspective on La Belle Dame Sans Merci [ a piece has been done on that] click to open Critical analysis of La Belle Dame Sans Merci. To sum it up unrequited love hurts quite a LOT.
Nowadays we are opening our private lives on social media like it's completely normal to do so, I simply can't understand the logic and reason behind this, can you take a moment and think about doing the same things you did online in real life. For those who post Whats app statuses / Instagram stories what you are essentially doing is screaming to everyone in your contacts / "followers" what you did. This questionable behaviour is now normalised I don't understand this, would you go up to everyone in your contacts in real life and scream at them I woke up today and am drinking the caffeinated beverage of your choosing, would you announce standing atop a soapbox screaming that you have had dinner at a 5-star establishment? I wouldn't, anyways
A few months ago thanks to omnipresent and invisible machine learning which influences our everyday life in ways that you may or may not know, one main reason we are blind to it is that it is in front of us all the time we take it for granted and see it as part of status quo, in simple terms what I meant by omnipresent and invisible is the machine learning algorithm on which our pathetic lives revolve around. Chat GPT has blown up recently, giving the false perception that AI has had severe leaps in recent times, my good sir you are wrong, it has been there for quite a while. The most used and mesmerising algorithm for me is Spotify, every time is just gets it right, if I had a cent for every time Spotify played the tracks I predicted it would then within a year I would have been a Billionaire and that is an understatement.
Coming to other connected things, I have been not posting anything for quite a while is directly related to my roller coaster ride of my mental state, which is undoubtedly directly and indirectly influenced by my socioeconomic environment, economic not that much but, social life has a behemoth impact on us whether you agree or not.
So I don't know if you have not noticed or not I have been making better use of commas and other punctuation, all thanks to my role model and mentor of English literature. The person is the living embodiment of how one should see the world through the lens of literature, the diplomatic and judicious use of juxtaposition and other literary devices to make points clear and dissect the most complex of things and make it crystal clear to the racing minds of "young adults" is not a feat anyone can do. To be a role model in this heavily demanding and taxing profession simply speaks volumes about the teaching capabilities and linguistic usage of this great teacher. I truly find myself honoured to be under the guidance of this mentor no matter how much I try to conceptualise the cataclysmic effect she has on all the students in the class won't do justice to the magnitude of impact she has made and continues to make in all our lives.
Yes back to what I was coming to say, in the year 2020 when lo and behold the world was gifted with COVID 19 it had / still is having an effect on all of us. Most people coming under my age group were faced with the tedious and cumbersome task of appearing and passing out with flying colours for the centralised board exam,yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
The system doesn't care if a global pandemic is going on, thy show must go on, Welcome to the machine [click to listen] ( heavily suggesting to read the rest of the piece while listening to the track). Since we are blessed with an overthinking and perceptive mind it is a double-edged sword eight times out of ten, and it is not fun to live with it in this 21st-century globalised setup. Coming to the point, this beast of a mind raced a decade into the future the day the results of class 11 were published, I have been keeping up with COVID since it broke out in Wu Han, mostly I gained the information because my parents being in the healthcare industry they discuss medical stuff for fun / small talk. Basically in my nuclear family what is fun for my parents is discussing their day at work, they [ mother, "father" and grandfather ] had heated debates about complicated medical stuff, then and there I decided I am not going into the field of medicine irrespective of the approach. Eventually, I too got hooked on medico-related stuff like anatomy, psychology, psychiatry, neurology, cardiology, orthopaedics, and traumatology basically all the juicy stuff. A layman may have more practical knowledge and street smartness for illnesses, I am not saying I don't but the twisted things are what my tickles my bones. The amount of times I am deviating is quite concerning, such is life.
Now the human mind is quite a beautiful and amazing thing, you give it problems and enough time, it will find a solution it may or may not work, the point is, the collection of thoughts and feelings are not just thoughts and feelings, it is a plain many have tried to map and understand which had the opposite effect because several schools of psychology came up whereas the goal was to have standardisation. Back to my ramblings I fast-forwarded to all the possibilities that come out if I did XYZ and that was the beginning of the end.
Truckloads of diesel was flooded onto the already world ending wildfire by the system i.e relatives [there are some good ones, but as a whole just stay away from snake ass "relatives"], "educational institution" I was shackled under, by choosing humanities there was pressure for the whole class to score high marks to show others that our subjects in their own way were challenging, quite a juxtaposing idea as if we score high marks won't it seem like it is easy and that's what the stereotype was, was it not. The real goal of this scandalous notion of striving to do better than science and commerce were unmasked by yours truly but didn't go public with it as the "class" I was in was as divided as the demographic of India and that was an understatement. Coming back this is not the piece where I expose the "educational system" as a whole it will be done on the day, date, and year I have marked in my mental calendar. I am not spilling the beans right now because to first beat the system you have to be out of it, or else you are just digging your own grave that does no good to anyone.,
Leaving out all the juicy stuff cause this can't yet be a book and to get the point across, almost 18 years of pain and suffering of bottling of emotions, feeling, unrequited love, slithering between wolfs and snakes in the hellhole of "school", being in a desert people people everywhere but not one I can trust and several wounds in the heart of the mental kind. All this and other factors led to me finally losing my marbles for the first time eveea this literally happened at the beginning of April [ wowwww, anniversary, Yayyyyyyy], the nosedive started literally on the first of April, and the plane crashed and burned for several weeks by mid-April. It was around this time I lost copious amounts of weight to the point where I was kind of slim, I almost had a flat stomach from XXL shirt size I went to M in less than a month. The secret sauce behind this quick slim weight loss method was completely losing the sense of taste which led to zero appetite due to constant anxiety which has a complementary side dish of not-so-random panic attacks, anxiety-induced insomnia [ yayyyyyyyy], emotional outbreaks, beastly rage mode anger issues, going down a pit of gas-lighting and catestrophizing, several eye-opening revelations in life of how in the end literally everything is pointless, the greatest service to mankind you can do is to opt to be buried somewhere that is not a cemetery and chill with the dinosaurs and become fossil fuel for future generations [I am talking in general] . Similar "negative" trains of thoughts were going on literally all the time, thanks to previously mentioned panic attacks no sleep either so the title walking nightmare would be fitting but not as fitting as walking slowly and steadily through the custom-tailored 9th ring of hell according to Dante.
An activity that gave [ still does] some sort of pleasure/comfort was fantasising about grand and eccentric ways to kick the bucket in colourful and cool ways, related to this was picturing who all would cry for me when I kick the bucket in the aforementioned way, who all would be happy to see that I don't exist anymore in the alleged world of the "living". I was 200% sure that my instant death would only bring colour to the dark and grey world I was living in, it would be a win-win situation for me and my family, I get freedom from the 9th ring of hell, my family wouldn't have to see me going through the 9th ring of hell. It didn't matter if my transcendence would be to the deeper ring of hell or the opposite, what mattered to me was that I will leave the current plane and move on to the next one.
[ Dear Netizen if you have made it this far and feel uncomfortable and/or disturbed I heavily suggest you quit reading this and try can clear your mind by doing something pleasurable, it is your decision to make whether you wish to finish this piece or not I totally understand why you wouldn't want to and it is fine ]
In the coming months I was taken to countless number of psychiatrists and psychologists in the hopes of pulling me out of this self inflicted torturous pit I dug myself into, you can put all the blame on me and say I am not fit enough or built to live in this treacherous world we are in, whatever. your pointless opinion will not effect me in any manner, with your precious opinion you may shave it to a place where sunlight doesn't shine and may it rot and infect you to the point where you die in a grotesque manner. That is what I wish to say but, in the short term what all shit you heave and throw at me effects me and to come out of that I must devise in my imaginary alternate timeline where I obliterate your living foundation and leave you alone and stranded to wallow in your own misery. The fine line of near infinite tolerance I have if you are insane enough to break it's boundaries be warned, the only reason I ain't destroying you mentally is because, even in this wretched world I live with a strong code of ethics and under that if I behave the same way you have to me, then there is no difference between me and you and I am not the pitiful self you are. How you do anything shows how you do everything.
Speaking of obliterating people I may have pushed the buttons of a certain "relative" who managed to break the boundaries of my ocean of patience. I sub consciously wrecked him over, I implanted a slow winding high damage tornado into him which will take a toll in the near future. May that be the 3rd and only time I slay a mere bug like this.
For the rest wait for part 2. This now itself is long enough, if my calculations are correct the reading time for this piece has long crossed by standard of 10 mins.
God speed
🦇
ReplyDeleteSlay a bug 💀💀
ReplyDelete